missing you.
Saturday, April 23, 2005, 1:34 AM
I was already prepared for wads ahead of me. A mth after i knew wad had happened. I guess it took me a mth to realise that ive been lying to myself. I wasnt happy.
I wrote tis.. by yet to published it. i guess nw is the right time.
my breaking point. a mistake.
I guess you can't always keep things to yourself. Tho hw much you think that you are strong enuf to accept that fact and face it. You are not. Forgive and forget- as many ppl wld say. Yes, forgiving is easy but it's sure hard to forget. I've been pretending that it was juz a nightmare that i had dreamt the night before. But the real fact is it's reality and that happened. I swore not to bring it up to anyone. Cuz i believe all i will get is a sympathy hug. But few weeks back, i told my first sumone. I dunno why myb it's the trust i see in his eyes. No, i did not get a sympathy hug- but i got sumthing better than that. A smack of reality. I guess the reality only hit ya when to hear it out loud frm urself. I was dying to tell sumone. It's true. I wasn't happy. I woke up each day tears running down. no one knows this. i was depressed for that few weeks but tried very hard to cover it up. As i said, i pretended that it was a nightmare. That smile i've been presenting, i wasn't actually smiling. I wonder what happened to that dream we had? That years of you being insecure, not having a guys' name on my hp, losing great friendship b4 i met you.. then it's me being the honest one all along. Am i not good enuf for you or I'm juz that trophy gf for you to show it off. That trust we build. 3years 8mths.. 44mths..
1320days.. 79200hours.. And within a split of that mins and second. It crumbled into pieces and down the drain. Thanks.
I needed time and space. I forgive u overnight. Cuz i cared abt ur happiness, well-being rather than mine. a mistake. Nw, it come to haunt back cuz i never forget. Deep in me, i wasn't happy dear. I tried. i really do. but it's hard. I'm still accepting that fact. Saying "I Love you" at the end of our conversation now meant nothing compared to 3 years back. Where i was happy, and the feeling i had was pure and faithful.